Top 10 Heavy Metal Albums of 2007

It's that time of the year again, and I'm about to list the best Metal albums of 2007. This was not really a great year for Heavy Metal, yeah, there were quite a few releases from old warhorses, but even these could not save the year from the overall mediocrity it was burdened with. So here are some of my favourite Heavy Metal albums from 2007(in descending order)

1) Machine Head: The Blackening

Phewww!! This has definitely displaced Burn My Eyes as my favourite Machine Head album, and quite possibly as Machine Head's best yet. Angry, menacing!! aggressive Post Thrash. Want some track recommendations..how about all of 'em? Well, just for your sake..I'll say check out Clenching the Fists of Dissent, Halo, Aesthetics of Hate, Beautiful Mourning and Slanderous. The best this year! and quite possibly the best Post/Thrash release since Lamb of God's Ashes of The Wake in 2004. It's a killer!!!

2) Dark Tranquillity: Fiction

This his how modern Melodic Death Metal should sound like! The Swedish masters have done it again. This is a worthy follower to their last masterpiece Character in every which way. Yeah, they still sound the same, but hey! that's what we want :) . Tremendous arrangements, clinically precise and crunching riffs...this one is a Gothenburger's wet dream.

3)

Arch Enemy's second best album to date!(first being Wages of Sin).Here's a short review of this album.

4) Overkill: Immortalis

If it's old school Thrash you're looking for, you can never ever! go wrong with Overkill. This certainly ain't another The Years of Decay or Horrorscope but it still has loads of ripping riffs and shredding solos to leave you gasping for more. The production is terrific and the instrumentation is godly...it's Overkill after all!

5) Symphony X: Paradise Lost

The most beautiful(musically) Metal album to be released this year, without doubt. You gotta give it some time though, it grows on you after the third or fourth listen. Beautiful melodies, Michael Romeo's exquisite riffing and mind boggling solos, this one's got it all. Not in the league of The Divine Wings of Tragedy and V-A New Mythology Suite but still a very good album.

6) The best Megadeth album since Cryptic Writings, period. Before anyone asks, NO, I wasn't a fan of The System Has Failed. Sleepwalker and A Tout Le Monde with Christina Scabbia are worth the price of this album. Great riffing, after a long long! time. Not very heavy, but Megadeth haven't been really heavy except on Youthanasia perhaps.

7) Exodus: The Atrocity Exhibition-Exhibit A

This album is reviewed in my previous post.

8) Iced Earth: Framing Armageddon(Something Wicked Part 1)The Power Metal masters are back!. This album is a tad mellower than their previous masterpieces, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Night of The Stormrider or The Dark Saga, but it still packs that trademark Iced Earth punch. This one is a loong! player with 19 tracks and some songs tend to get overtly complicated. But once you're past through that initial barrier, you'll be reaping the benefits in no time :)

9) Dream Theater: Systematic Chaos

Clocking in at nearly an hour and twenty minutes, this one can be tedious for the casual fan of progressive metal. For the fan though, this is what it is! A good dose of technical riffs, harmonies, keyboard madness and beautiful solos(Constant Motion is a killer!), which you can turn on and then get on with your daily chores. A very good album, and better than Octavarium(yukk!!) for sure, but Symphony X have clearly stolen the thunder from under Dream Theater's nose this year.

10) Kamelot: Ghost OperaKamelot keep surprising you with one good release after the other. They followed Epica with the masterpiece Black Halo, and they have followed it up with the excellent Ghost Opera now. While Black Halo remains Kamelot's best work to date, Ghost Opera also deserves a spot in your CD collection(if you're a fan of Kamelot or Power Metal in general). Roy Khan's voice is in form again(like that's anything new) and the musical arrangements are great.

So that was it...these were my favourite Heavy Metal albums of 2007.

Major dissapointments

1) Obituary: Xecutioner's Return

2) Sodom: The Final Sign of Evil

3) S.O.D.: Rise of The Infidels

4) King Diamond: Give Me Your Soul..Please!

P.S.--As I Lay Dying's An Ocean Between Us just! missed the list. Yeah, frown some more :)

Exodus-The Atrocity Exhibition: Exhibit A

Exodus are back!, and back with a bang! they are. For the uninitiated; Exodus are one of the most influential Thrash bands ever and their album Bonded by Blood is easily one of the Top 10 Thrash albums ever. Their last two releases, Tempo of The Damned and Shovel Headed Kill Machine, though praised by the critics and fans alike left me unsatisfied. They were more 'groove' than 'thrash' for me. With The Atrocity Exhibition however, they have hit a home run. It's all in the guitars they say, and Gary Holt and Lee Altus leave no stone unturned to rattle your brains crazy with their uber heavy and pulverizing riffs. This album has that quintessential aggression that was missing in the two previous releases.

Right after the minute and a half soothing intro of 'A Call to Arms', they bombard you with the bludgeoning 'Riot Act' and you know that Exodus mean business this time. Relentless riffing coupled with double bass mayhem make this a headbanger's delight, the solo here is just boombastic!! Next up is 'Funeral Hymn', an 8 and a half minute epic with it's thunderous and crunchy! riffs--a good song overall but it tends to get monotonous and a tad tedious. The solo here is again magnificent! Exodus follow it up with another 8 minute+ player in 'Children of A Worthless God'--the main riff is excellent! here and the guitars are exceedingly sharp. It does have an almost Arch Enemy-esque sound though. Next up is 'As it Was, As it Soon Shall Be', which is reminiscent of their work in Tempo of The Damned..crunchy and groovy mid-paced riffing. This song is nothig great but still leagues ahead of the Staind,KoRN,Disturbed,Godsmack crap masquerading as Metal out there. Things move on to the 10 minute+ epic Title song--which is a strange mix of Thrash as well as the Dillinger Escape Plan and Meshuggah sounds. You have to give this one some time, it grows on you! and really turns into a monster around the 5 minute mark...and the last 4 minutes are absolute Thrash bliss!..ummm. Oh, there's another exquisite solo in here. Next up is what is arguably the best song of this album..'Iconoclasm', when Rob Dukes screams I am the chosen one!!! you'll feel the adrenaline rushing to your head. The main riff is superb, and the breakdown around the 3 minute mark is simply mindblowing! Terrific solo once again!(man!! what were these guys on?). 'Garden of Bleeding' starts off in a very doom-ish way but comes into full feldged thrash frenzy in under a minute. This is also one of those songs which can be an acquired taste(yeah, even for the metalhead). It has a certain avante garde feel to it, and the riffs are heavier than your normal Thrash. I love! it though :) ..the last 1 and a half minutes of this song are pure mayhem! The last song 'Bedlam 123' is the most experimental song here. Starting with off beats and a Primus like bass line, this song gets into hyper speed destruction mode. Time changes coupled with blast beats and galloping double bass throughout, this is a worthy closer to the album.

Finally, what Exodus have achieved here is an excellent example of classic brutality and speed coupled with modern finesse,variations, and production sound. I say hats off!

Killer Tracks--Riot Act, Iconoclasm, Garden of Bleeding, Bedlam 123

Rating: 8.5/10

Om Shanti Om

Some films take themselves very seriously and some take themselves too lightly. Om Shanti Om is an anomaly of sorts; it gets too serious in taking itself too lightly. Doesn't make sense? Well..yeah..even the 17 odd reels of Om Shanti Om don't. That's not a point of contention however, I knew what to expect when I walked into the cinema this morning. Let's get on with the review now..shall we?
Om Prakash Makheeja(SRK) is a 70s junior artist who’s insanely in love with Shanti Priya(Deepika Padukone), who is in love with the badman Mukesh Mehra(ArjunRampal). Things go wrong, and both OM and Shanti end up dead! But….picture abhi baaki hai mere dost.

The first half with the 70s backdrop is as much a visual treat as it is a laugh riot. Yes, I’m not exaggerating here; the first hour of the film has some of the most massy and funny sequences Indian cinema has ever seen. The Dreamy Girl premiere, the whole Manoj Kumar spoof and Rajesh Kapoor(Khanna) and pregnant wife(Dimple) interview are supremely hilarious. The Rajnikanth spoof will have you holding on to your stomach, just in case anything pops out. The Dhoom Tana song where Shanti dances with Sunil Dutt, Rajesh Khanna and Jeetendra a la Forrest Gump is absolutely splendid. The special effects department should be lauded for this feat.The village shoot where Om and Pappu(Shreyas Talpade) are playing dacoits is again a rib tickler. In between all these moments of laughter and entertainment(which is the whole point of OSO anyway) is a friendship brewing between Om and Shanti. Their rendezvous’ are handled beautifully and Deepika looks quite charming, and if I might add, stunning. The whole set burning sequence which results in the deaths of both OM and Shanti is grandeur at its best. Among the typical Bollywood masala entertainers, this is definitely one of the most entertaining, funny and involving first halves ever.

30 years later….Take TWO!, the second half dips and dips and keeps dipping for several minutes till we have a jug full of bitter Lipton Tiger in our mouth. Om Prakash Makheeja is reborn as Om Kapoor, the son of yesteryear superstar Rajesh Kapoor. Dard-e-disco though choreographed beautifully and quite catchy semed just out of place, I dunno why it had to be there. Om Kapoor keeps hearing voices and seeing flashes from his past life. His mother(Kiron Kher) in his first life keeps chasing his car with the everlasting ‘beta ruk ja’ line. The visions, the voices..anything just doesn’t make any emotional impact. When Om is shooting for superhero film Mohabbat Man(which was a very funny sequence again) he accidentally walks into the room which used to be Shanti’s dressing room. Again come the flashes, the voices and the faces too; all this while, I was hoping this just gets over!!! Give me some more entertainment. This isn’t good for Farah Khan, if she ever wants to be a good storyteller. Farah does oblige to our requests intermittently though; with the earth shakingly hilarious Filmfare Awards sequence and the star studded Deewangi Deewangi. Anyway, Mukesh Mehra is back again, this time as Mike or Mik-ee as he wishes to be addressed. Om of course recognizes his murderer, goes back to his mother and Pappu, gets lucky enough! to find a Shanti look alike,Sandy(Sandhya) and is determined to bring Mukesh Mehra to justice(wow!..now that’s what you call absitively posilutely seriously mindless). Om devises a plan which involves the help of all his actor friends and family to bring Mukesh Mehra to justice at the same place he murdered his beloved Shanti. Surprises, shrieking old ladies, staged bhoot incidents, tampered film reels et al make Mukesh Mehra fall into the trap and justice is finally delivered in Madhumati ishtyle! climax which is immaculately shot and is truly a grand spectacle. The second half could’ve been crisper though; some serious editing flaws in there. The whole Om/Mukesh restaurant sequence, the Om/Sandy rooftop sequence are just plain boring. The dialogues are grossly overwritten, too much blah blah for no rhyme or reason. All in all, quite a disapoointing second half with the exception of the far and few in between funny moments, and the climax, which is very well done indeed.

Coming on to the performances—Shreyas Talpade as Om’s sidekick is funny, loveable and extremely confident…two big Thumbs Up to him. Kiron Kher excels in what she’s supposed to do, i.e. play the loud, melodramatic Bollywood maa. Deepika Padukone looks gorgeous, and her performance is not bad for a first timer. I have my doubts about the voice though, I still think it’s dubbed. Arjun Rampal is plainly stupid in some scenes and plainly terrific in others. I still don’t know how to rate him here. I’ll go with a ‘decent’ at best. And now to SRK—the man hams like he never has! But wait a min, that doesn’t mean what you think it does. The truth about OSO, as a matter of fact is…it’s a one man job. It is SRK’s film; he’s the spine, the heart, the soul, the joy, the laughter and the emotion(whatever little this film has) of the film. He’s a revelation in the first half specially—playing to the gallery comedy has never been his forte, but he’s just marvellous here. Some of the hamming in second half is quite annoying though, specially in the confrontation scenes. He hams, he overacts, he makes silly faces, he ridicules himself, he ridicules others and still manages to bring the film several notches above what it deserves.

So that was OSO for you. No, it’s not the mother of all masala entertainers as some of our esteemed critics seem to think. What it is though, is 2 and a half hours well spent with your family and children. A first half full of laughter and energy, a scond half which gets quite boring at times, annoying at times, fun at times resulting in a wonderfully crafted climax. Am I disappointed? Yes…still worth a watch though.

Rating: ***

Resurgence of the Retarded!!

Every now and then I see or read something which makes me laugh(and I'm not talking about Balaji Telefilms' soaps here) at the sheer frivolity of its content. I recently read this piece in the Sify news column section where the writer is thrashing the Bachhan family as 'anti-woman' and what not. In fact, the writer thinks Mr. Bachhan is not even worthy of being a 'role model'...hmmm..interesting. What are his reasons..one may ask..? Well...the whole 'Sankat Mochan' deal for one, and the fact that Mr. Bachhan has not opened a charitable hospital as yet! Whoa!..that's just amazing.



I am a manglik myself and believe you me, when I say that I did almost as much for my wife as Aishwarya had to do for the safety of Abhishek Bachhan..lol. Did I believe in it? NO...but it doesn't harm me much to visit a couple of temples, offer my prayers to God so that all my elders and loved ones are satisfied and not worried about the safety of my wife...does it? Whatever Aishwarya did before her wedding was not because she was coerced into it by the 'anti-woman' Bachhan family...I'm sure she was happy to do that.



The author also seems to have a problem with the fact that Mr. Bachhan is making hordes of money for himself and his family while doing nothing for the society. Well...if he really did indulge himself in social causes and charity, my respect for him will grow manifold, no doubt...but the fact that he doesn't isn't going to make me call him unworthy of being a role model. A role model doesn't necessarily have to be a jack of all trades..Mr. Bachhan is an actor, an entertainer....and if you were to ask anybody in this country(or overseas for that matter) to name just one Indian actor who can be called a role model, it would be him.



The author thinks history isn't made by the Amitabh Bachhans, Shahrukh Khans and Ambanis but P.T. Usha's, Dhyanchands and Arundhati Roys. What hospitals have the latter three built? What charitable donations have they made? Yes, they are an integral part of Modern India's history too, agreed, but so are the former three. That they make insane amounts of money is not something I'll hold against them, and neither should you. If the money earned versus money donated analogy is anything to go by then every top CEO, investment banker and high ranking NRI should also be put under the microscope. So why only Mr. Bachhan....why spew so much venom over the Amitabh Bachhans and Shahrukh Khans? Because they are famous and successful..and you are not?

"Celebrity is as celebrity does"--Mr. Bachhan does what is expected of him. He acts, entertains us...what more do you want? He's not the Prime Minister of India you see. What happens inside his doors or his cultural/traditional beliefs or choice of political friends mean zilch to me. The author goes on to call SRK a money making machine...what's the point? It's not like he's indulging in hawala or robbing a bank, advertisers/corporates are happy to pay him the money, the people are more than happy to pay for the ticket prices....so what's you point sir? The author doesn't even spare the actresses/models and calls them 'alleged Mother Teresa followers'..huh? Now what's so wrong in saying one respects Mother Teresa, what would you rather have them do...say that they despise Mother Teresa? Or would you rather have them actually opening up Aashrams because they were bonded in some invisible contract just for uttering respectful words for Mother Teresa?

Finally, one should not bring down these allged 'money making machines' for a simple fact that it's actually them who provide the overflow for what you call classy and relevant. Stop criticising the Bachhans, the Khans, the Chopras, the Johars, the Ambanis, the Tatas, the Mittals. These are the people who provide the overflow for the Irrfan Khans, the Pankaj Kapurs, the Anurag Kashyaps, the Bheja Fry(ies), the NGOs etc etc. Do you think the money for all social causes, the hospitals, the meaningful cinema etc etc. just springs up from the ground? Everybody has a particular socio-economic role in any society/culture/country and they should be given the freedom to do so..it's a cyclic thing..one begets the other.

In Conversation with Moral Police...

I received a couple of hyperbolic e-mails from a lady the other day. Apparently, she was upset about this post which I had done sometime ago. She told me she was a regular reader of The Mad Momma and had chanced upon my blog from there. The lady inexplicably holds herself in very high esteem as she's a Malayali who has married a half! Tamilian and calls me a racist when I have loved and married a Bengali woman...hmm interesting. She took quite an offence to the fact that I pointed out the the relative lack of involvement of the southern part of India in our war of independence(which I've removed from my post by the way) and then went on to talk about the Moplah Revolution!, oh! how some people just blab for the heck of it! I couldn't be nasty to her in my replies coz (a) she's a lady and (b) she came from The Mad Momma's blog who's almost like a sister to me. I'd like to enlighten this delusional woman here though--The Moplah Revolution was merely a series of uprisings where the peasants in Malabar revolted against the landlords; British,Arabs as well as Indians!. It has NOTHING to do with our War of Independence. This was pure GK though...;)

Now, coming on to her 'racial discrimination' accusations. She conveniently ignored everything I had said about Gujarat, Maharashtra, Delhi and only saw south south and south! She also ignored the fact that I had said U.P. and Bihar accounted for the Lion's Share of crime in India and saw south south and south again!! I told this to her and I'm sure many of you who know me are aware that MOST of my very close friends are in fact NOT North Indians. Anyway, that's not the point, and I really shouldn't be bothering to explain myself to her. I had written that post in reference to what I had heard, read or seen in the recent past. That post was written as an outcry AGAINST racial/regional discrimination, not FOR it. I had made it very clear in the post itself...that I was not generalising. I thrashed Delhi in one of my posts, if I'm really a racist North Indian out on my world winning adventure of claiming North superiority..why would I do it?? If I hear or see something racist happening to a Malaylai,Telugu,Tamilian,Bengali,Marathi,Gujarati etc etc in the North or anywhere, I'll write about that too! The lady's comments, however, have brought back the same feelings in me...and she was sounding exactly like the complexed people I was talking about in my post. I was talking about how people should welcome everybody in their home, how you should not look down upon people from Bihar, U.P. coz they give us civil servants who work for us..and there she goes ranting about how South produces the maximum! number of software engineers working in the USA..how there are so many! South Indian doctors in the UK...??? Is that something to be proud of? YES, of course. We are all proud of it...we are all proud of our brothers and sisters in the South who bring us so much foreign exchange, we are all proud of the numerous great litterateurs, activists, freedom fighters, Nobel laureates West Bengal has given us...we are all proud of the statesmen and litterateurs UP has given us...we are all proud of Bangalore for giving us our own Silicon Valley...and so on and so forth. But that still doesn't give any person from any region to badmouth or look down upon someone else just because he/she does not share 'geography' with you...or does it? Such was this woman's sheer superiority complex that she even put my uncle's 12 years old son under her racial microscope. In my post I had mentioned that my uncle's son(who's studying in a school in Chennai) told us that his classmates used to call him 'the white pig'..which was not acceptable by any means. This lady tells me that it must have been the child's fault and he must have acted arrogantly with the children there, because that's how the North Indian children are brought up..to act arrogant with South Indians!!?? God have mercy on any North Indian children that cross her path :)

Anyway, after rambling, ranting and name calling for about 4 mails that lady has told me she would not visit my blog again...oh! how considerate of you ma'am. She has also told me that I shouldn't bother replying to her as she's created a filter, because she wants to have the LAST WORD....boo hoo!! really? LOL....anyway, I'm really hoping she stays true to her word and does not see this, coz I'll find it hard to be polite the next time :)

Johny Gaddar Movie Review

Warning: Some plot spoilers included

Johny Gaddar is the latest offering from Sriram Raghavan, the man who gave us Ek Hasina Thi. The film is inspired by some of veteran director Vijay Anand's works and James Hadley Chase novels. The main protagonist(or should we say, antagonist!) Vikram aka Johny also borrows some of his ideas from the Amitabh Bacchhan thriller Parwana.

The premise is simple yet very different from your average Bollywood fare. Five conmen plan a deal which will make each of them richer by 50 Lakh in 3 days. Sheshadri(Dharmendra) is supposedly the top guy, a la Danny Ocean. He's supported by Prakash(Vinay Pathak), Shardul(Zakir Hussain), Shiva(Daya Shetty) and Vikram(Neil Mukesh). Vikram however, has other plans; he borrows several ideas from his James Hadley Chase novels and Parwana to double-cross his fellow associates and elope with Mini(Rimi Sen), Shardul's wife! Vikram's plan however, goes haywire when he accidentally kills Shiva in the first phase of his plan. After that point, Vikram's lady luck helps him escape every tryst with destiny untill the climax, where poetic justice is delivered.

The film had all the makings of a taut thriller, but it is marred by lack of pace. The sript was indeed interesting with one accident leading to another and so on and so forth, but it was executed in a very sluggish manner. The director seemed to have lost his vision after the intermission, where he went absolutely overboard with character development and took too much screen time familiarizing us with their personal/family lives. The sadistic outings with Shiva's girlfriend Vaijanthi were totally uneccesary, and they really left a bad taste in your mouth and stomach. Through the entire length of the film, there was not one scene which thrilled you. The only moment where the script catches you off guard is Sheshadri's dying sequence, and it was very well executed too. The script meanders a lot!, particularly after the intermission and you just don't know what the director wants; does he want to thrill you, does he want to make you sob, does he want you to empathize or does he want to tickle your funny bone? Johny Gaddar is a perfect example of a brilliant plot gone awry because of too many distractions. Part of my dissatisfaction might have to do with the fact that I had went into the theater to watch an on-the-edge-of-your-seat suspense thriller, but even if I judge the film as just another movie..it still falls flat on most of the grounds.

Coming on to the performances; Dharmendra is going through the golden twilight of his career, and he gives a commendable performance here. It could have been much better though, and his role does't really do justice to the awe-inspiring persona he has. Neil Mukesh is just about ok, he looked rather silly in the scenes where he had to convey anxiety and fear through his eyes. His Travolta-esque dance sequence was also very childish. You can't complain much though, given the fact that it was his first time acting. I'm not very keen on predicting something for him at this point though; let's just wait and watch. Rimi Sen gives one of her better performances in a rather conveniently stupid role. Zakir Hussain as Shardul was excellent and Vinay Pathak's was THE performance of the film. Vinay Pathak has charmed us with his comic timing before, and with this film he proves that he's an actor of serious mettle; his introduction scene was one of the better ones in the film. The film will tank in the single screes for sure and it just might do decent business in the multiplex centers..don't take my word for it though. To sum it up, Johny Gaddar is a half baked effort with very few interesting sequences and manages to bore you for the better part of it's length. Yes, it IS different, but I still have to call a spade a spade..right?

Rating: **

Congratulations!! India, Congratulations Pakistan,and shame! on you Shoaib Malik

When Misbah-ul-Haq lofted that ball behind the wicket I was sure I'll have a heart attack or something. I had gone totally numb; shuddering to watch the ball roll over to the boundary line for a four. I had no idea Sreesanth was there in catching position, and when he did catch it, I let out a roary YES and hugged my wife. There were tears in my eyes, happy tears:). Well done India, you've made us proud.

Well done Pakistan too; these guys played really well. Till Sreesanth took the match winning catch, I could see Misbah taking away the cup from us. It may sound stupid but beneath all the ecstasy I was feeling as an Indian, I couldn't help empathizing with the Pakistanis too. They really did a good job..it was anybody's game in the end. It was Shoaib Malik's speech at the presentation ceremony however, that drove out even the tiniest speck of empathy I had for Pakistan. I don't know if anybody paid attention or not but this is what he said. "First of all I would like to thank our supporters back in Pakistan, and all the Muslims in the rest of the world.."..??????? What the hell is this? What does Cricket have to do with Muslims, what does Cricket even have to do with religion for that matter? Does Shoaib Malik think Irfan and Yusuf Pathan were playing for Pakistan? Did he think Shahrukh Khan along with his son was cheering for Pakistan in the stands? It really hurts me to see such fanaticism in sportspersons. Fanaticism towards your country is great, but why bring religion in all of this. Shoaib Malik made it sound as if Pakistan were fighting for Muslims all over the world. What does he think of India, does he think we're Anti-Muslim?? We have more Muslims than the entire population of Pakistan Mr. Malik, and like it or not, they were cheering for India's victory too.

Anyway, congratulations!! everybody. Chak De!!!!!!!!

Ram Gopal varma ki AAG?...Aaaaarghhhh!!

Ever since it's release, this particular RGV venture has drawn so much flak and has been ridiculed so much that we were finding it very difficult to spend 400 bucks for the sake of curiosity. Anyway, ..we finally mustered up the courage to watch RGV ki AAG this saturday. Before I begin, let me tell you that the ONLY reason I sat through the movie was to write this review....everybody who reads this owes me big time!!

I won't get into the script details, as no one needs any. An inpiration is what RGV may have called this garbage, but it is an exact rehash of the same situations, albeit with slight deviations in the dilaogues.

DIRECTION--RGV tries very hard to put in his own flavor in many of the memorable Sholay scenes. Sadly, it all falls flat! The scene where AB saws off Mohanlal's fingers is brutally chilling though--one of the very few scenes where I could feel something!

CAMERAWORK--It gives you a headache, it really does. Jerky for most parts and angles which can only make sense to Ram Gopal Varma. Will someone please ask Mr. varma to stop obsessing with his heroines' buttocks please!

MUSIC--Dull and boring..the 'hai aag yeh' title song is sort of OK though.

EDITING--It seems the editing department slept for the better part of their job. It's our turn to sleep now.

SCREENPLAY--As pathetic as it gets. Meaningless, dragging all the uneccesary portions while giving little importance to what mattered, e.g. the scenes between Mohanlal and AB. If only they would have given a little more importance to this aspect, they would have redeemed themselves somehow.

Coming on to the performances now--

Amitabh Bachhan--It's not that I haven't been annoyed by Mr. Bachhan's performances before, Jaadugar, Toofan, Ajooba and Boom to name a few. This performance however, is something in a different league altogether. Not only did it annoy every inch of my body, it made me sad, really sad! God knows what Mr. Bachhan was thinking when he said yes to this 'grand' vision of RGV. RGV has made a total buffoon of his character, and what's more sad is that Mr. Bachhan has played it exactly like a buffoon. I wonder if he's forgotten what it means to improvise. Tacky dialogues, over the top mannerisms, hissing, snarling, nose picking!..you name it..you've got it. Inarguably the worst performance of this legend's career, in fact one of the MOST annoying performances by anyone..ever. Not only has he disappointed me, but he has also dealt a blow to his own reputation by being part of this horrendous "tribute" to Sholay.

Ajay Devgan--If there was an award for the 'worst actor in a comic role ever', it would go to Ajay Devgan for sure. Ever since AAG was announced I always felt that Ajay was miscast here, but that he could be so pathetic!! is something that never crossed my mind. The way he massacred Dharmendra's drunken 'suiciiiiide' scene almost made me cry. I kept cringing everytime he tried to do anything even remotely comic. Ajay should have never done this film..it's left me disillusioned and I'm pretty sure that goes for many others too. I had always regarded Ajay as one of the TOP 3 actors of this generation, but now..my view has changed. Not being excellent at comedy as a Govinda or Paresh Rawal or even an Akshay Kumar is OK, but being this bad! cannot be overlooked. You have to command a decent level of skill in all aspects of acting..if you don't..you're not a good actor in my book.

Prashant Raj--The guys tries very hard, yes, he does. You just cannot expect a newcomer to make an impact with what has already been immortalised by AB. I'm ashamed to admit this, but when he dies, I was actually relieved!..the lesser the irritants..the better for me :)

Nisha Kothari--Supremely irritating would be an understatement. This performance was like a loudspeaker on a mass-destruction spree. I was jumping up and down and pulling my hair everytime she opened her mouth.

Sushmita Sen--Perfect casting this was! And Suhmita did a commendable job too. The only problem I had was that she seemd to be crying every moment while in Jaya's case it was the silent sadness which was much more effective.

Mohanlal--This is what you call a terrific! performance in a terrible film. Even with his flawed hindi accent, Mohanlal portrayed the role of inspector Narsimha with all his heart and soul. His eyes spoke! ..the dormant wrath, the helplessness..everything was done beautifully. I don't need to comment on specific scenes in his case as he was nothing less than excellent in each frame that had him. I'm even inclined to say that there were some scenes where he did better than Sanjeev Kumar in Sholay...there!! I said it.

The tremendous actor in Sushant Singh is wasted in the role of Thambe...even the ever so fascinating Rajpal Yadav simply annoys in the reincarnated version of Soorma Bhopali aka Rambha Bhai. I don't know who advised him to go with that irritatingly squeaky birdy voice..maybe Mr. Varma again??

Calling AAG a half baked effort is far from the truth. It's like RGV even forgot to put it in the oven. His Bacchan bhakti it seems distracted him from the job at hand. He tries to justify Babban's cruelty by having his brother (Sachin) killed. Oh! and how he totally screws up the climax..it's not even funny. Gabbar was beaten like a dog by Veeru and Thakur in the climax of Sholay. In AAG, not only does the old and haggard Babban seem to be overpowering Heero but he's also killed in an instant! It must have been too agonising for RGV to see AB go through the manhandling that Gabbar receives at the 'feet' of Thakur. Oh! and I totally forgot about the nonsensical Abhishek Bachhan cameo in the Mehbooba song. What was he there for?? Walking around, making stupid eyes at everyone....utterly irritating! Enough with the Bacchan bhakti Mr. Varma..a Sarkar we can appreciate but not this nonsense.

Aag is a pain no one should be subjected to, I know, I've experienced it!!

Rating--Not Applicable

Happy Anniversary Baby

This should have been posted long ago, but I was so excited and happy to have my wife back after almost 2 weeks that I forgot to post about it. Anyway, that's no excuse, and I'm terribly sorry. So here goes..



24th August, 2002,455 Vijaypath, Mansarovar, Jaipur



I woke up at 5:00 a.m., which is quite a big deal for me! I kept strolling around my room nervously. I must've smoked 12 cigarettes between 5-6 a.m. and the carbon monoxide filled air caused Sabby(Subroto) to shift uncomfortably in his bed a few times. The night before I had a spat with Chulbul(now my wife) over something very stupid. Well...not stupid actually..I was irritated coz I wasn't getting enough time to spend with her. Although she was very friendly with all the people in my group, she had a lot of exclusive friends too; mainly due to the Rural Management & Business Management divide. Also, not very helpful was the fact that some of them totally despised me...can you believe that? lol;). Some of them just wouldn't leave her alone..ever!..be it the library or the cafeteria and they made it a point to tag along everywhere she went. She never agrees on this, but I'm pretty sure it was all to keep her safe from my "evil" intentions. The thing was...I and Chulbul were more than good friends...yeah..and everybody knew that...but none of us had said anything. We would have a spree of movies, dinners and Filleto Fish hogging at McD's for a week and then the snatchers would surface from nowhere and we wouldn't see each other's faces for 3 days. This annoyed!!!! me. I was annoyed with her too; why couldn't she just say no to them? But then I realized that they were her friends, so what if they didn't like me, they were still her friends. Even after considering this, I was still annoyed at her for not giving me as much importance as I was giving her. Now, of course, I've realized that I was being plain jealous and stupid. Anyway..coming back to the story; the night before I had come back to the hostel looking all depressed and Sabby had sat down to talk with me. He told me that I had to say something to her...he actually coaxed me into doing it...god bless his soul.



That was the reason I was so jittery that morning...I had decided to say 'something'. By the time I washed up and got dressed (a black full sleeves shirt and blue denims) everybody in my hostel was awake. Maamu(Ankur), Addy(Aditya), Sabby(Subroto), Jalahasthi(Ripon--Jalahasthi means a hippo in Bangla) & Sid(Siddharth) all had their inquiring eyes on me. I said "I'm gonna do it today" and kick started my bike, I could hear the YAYs and 'good luck' screams as I rode out of the gate. Very filmy na?he he



I reached the institute half an hour before her first class started. As always, I went into Kaka's Thadi for the morning tea ritual. The only thing which was associated so closely to me other than the singing and guitar playing was Kaka ki Chai. The farewell title my juniors gave me was "purani jeans aur guitar, wo kaka ki chai aur mere yaar". Oh Ho, here I go again, blowing my own not so trumpety trumpets. I gulped down 2 cups in quick succession, oblivious to the painful burning sensation in my chest and stomach. Then she came, along with Trina, her best friend. Apparently, she had an important class to attend and said that she would meet me after that. The 50 minute wait witnessed a few more cups of tea and some more cancer sticks.

She met me at Kaka ki Thadi after her class and I took her straight to Amul's(our favourite joint in Jaipur). Three hours we sat there, she was nibbling on the miniature pizza while I was busy gulping one ThumsUp after another. I had almost 10 bottles during the 3 hour period..he he. She had sensed it but she was acting all nonchalant about it, and it irritated me a little. I had always thought of myself as a confident man, I still do, but on that moment, it seemed like all the energy and confidence in the world had left me. I was perspiring, and gulping down the ThumsUp bottles to make up for the dehydration. Anyway..I finally mustered up all the courage in this world..and said it!. " I think I'm falling in love with you"...yikkkkkes!!!! I resented it as soon as I said it...what a stupid jerk I was...'I think', 'falling'?? To my benefit, she didn't seem to have paid attention to the bad choice of words:).So that was it...I had confessed my love for a woman for the first time in my life. What happened after that is not important right now...ummm..maybe later. I just wanted to wish my baby a very happy anniversary:)

Bollywood: The 20 Greatest Performances

I'm on a bollywood spree these days..lol...just humor me:) The title says "Greatest" but let's just say these are 20 of my favourites, that leaves no room for arguments you see:)) Sometimes, they might not be the best 'acting' performances per se but the most definitive in their respective genres or the most pertinent to the kind of character portrayed, i.e. comic, tragic, romantic etc etc.


20) Shah Rukh Khan--Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa


Sunil is the definition of the loveable looser. "woh to hai albela, hazaron mein akela" clearly sums up the movie's ethos as well as the character of Sunil portrayed so beautifully by SRK.


19) Vinod Khanna--Dayawaan

Yes, I have seen Nayagan, and am quite aware of the Oscar nomination of Kamal Hasan. I still believe Vinod Khanna was better! When it comes to The Godfather-like performances, this one takes the cake in Indian cinema. Although everything he has done in this movie is par-excellence, but the scene where he breaks down after looking at his son's dead body gives me goose-bumps.


18) Shabana Aazmi--Arth

Oh yes, this is not a best actor-male Filmfare awards list. The definitive portrayal of a frustrated and angry wife. Shabana Aazmi is almost always perfect in anything she does, but this one is her greatest achievement in my opinion.


17) Nana Patekar--Parinda

Cold, crazy and so smooth. The 'hatke' bhai. Nana has never been able to better this.


16) Anupam Kher--Saaransh

It was his first film..he was only 29 years old at that time..and he played a late-age retired person. And he did it so beautifully!! A helpless father fighting for his son's dead body. Truly a heart wrenching performance this one.


15) Dilip Kumar--Shakti

With Dilip Kumar, you could take up any of the movies he has done and rave about the performance. This one, however, is something special. A policeman torn between honesty/integrity and fatherhood...and he has to shoot his own son ( a la Mother India), a historic performance.



14) Aamir Khan--Rangeela

This is where Aamir graduated from being a good actor to a great actor. The loveable tapori. You know all about it don't you?


13) Amitabh Bachhan--Amar Akbar Anthony

"apun ek maara, pan solid maara na". Big B's greatest comic achievement; the mirror sequence is a lesson in comic timing.


12) Shah Rukh Khan--Baazigarr

The definition of an anti-hero. This was not a landmark acting performance by any means, but it was the most shocking thing anybody had ever seen in Indian Cinema, and SRK did it very convincingly, and menacingly if I might add.


11) Aamir Khan--Rang De Basanti

No, it's not here coz its fresh in my memory. I truly believe this is Aamir's best performance to date. The scene where he breaks down in front of Sue is....well....perfect!!!..as Aamir always is.


10) Anil Kapoor--Eeshwar

Portrayal of a mentally challeneged person doesn't get any better than this..yeah...not even Dustin Hoffman's in Rain Man.


09) Raj Kapoor--Jaagte Raho


I have always thought of Raj Kapoor being a little overrated as an actor,but here he gives a mind blowing performance. Leaves you all sad and depressed...yeah...but that's what great performances are about. They actually make you feel!


08) Kamal Hasan--Sadma

What can I say? Let's just say that it's fortunate he didn't really make it big in Bollywood, or Naseeruddin Shah and Om Puri would not have had the same kind of clout that they enjoy.


07) Amitabh Bachhan--Black

For the first half an hour he was more loud than he had ever been, and hammed very consistently...but!!....the rest of the movie is vintage Bachhan magic, a landmark performance. The greatest performance of this decade without doubt.


06) Nargis Dutt--Mother India

Such was the effect of this role that people rejected Nargis in every heroine role after that. I mean, what can be a bigger landmark than this?


05) Amitabh Bachhan--Deewaar

The angry young man!! 80% of Big B's most memorable dialogues are here. The dying sequence is the best ever....SRK's dying scene in Baazigarr is almost a copy!!


04) Amjad Khan--Sholay


Gabbar Singh..inarguably..the most memorable character in the history of Indian cinema. Some might not recall Jai or Veeru or Basanti or Thakur or Soorma Bhopali...but no one can forget Gabbar!! Not Aamir's QSQT, not Hritik's KNPH, not Rishi Kapoor's Bobby..it is Amjad Khan's Sholay which was home to the most sensational debut ever!!


03) Rajesh Khanna--Aanand


The loveable, exuberant, happy go lucky dying man. Although his Safar,Amar Prem and Kati Patang performances are great too, this one is simply out of this world and one of the most endearing performances in the history of Indian cinema.

02) Shah Rukh Khan--Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge

The most entertaining performance ever! It's complete in every sense...the irresponsible/careless college boy, the romantic lover, the ethical man who respects the value of parents..comedy..emotions..and even a typical bolly-action stint in the climax. What more can you ask for?

01) Amitabh Bachhan--Agneepath

Some might say he copied Marlon Brando in a few scenes, and even if I agree, this has still got to be the best performance ever..by anyone in the history of Indian cinema. There can be no one like an angry Bachhan in form!

Om Shanti Om Theatrical Trailer

Om Shanti Om's trailer is on display here right now. Damn!! it looks like real fun!! If anybody needs a full screen AVI or WMV of the same, please mail me.

The Negativity Index of SRK

I generally consider myself a fair man, and fair I am!. All of last year I kept saying Rang De Basanti was my favourite movie, I kept saying Aamir Khan deserves a National Award for this performance, forget the Filmfares and the IIFAs and what not. You can verify this from anybody who knows me. Not once did I say that KANK or DON were superb movies or that SRK was brilliant in them. Although, you'll be hard pressed to find a mega-star who would take up the role of such a loser(KANK) and not play to the gallery--everyone walked out of the theater hating!! SRK in that movie..didn't you too? But that's another story, and I'm not gonna bore you with that. But SRK haters have now even started to question his star power, some even say Aamir is a bigger star...man!!What I've realized in the last 4-5 years, is that this anti-SRK bandwagon is not fair at all!! And what's more irritating is the kind of silly arguments they come up with. It's like talking to a bunch of kids actually. I know, very rude of me...but my wife tells me that I get very aggressive during these kind of arguments, and sooner or later I might really hurt someone..so I choose to do it here. It happens with me a lot of times..be it Sachin Tendulkar or SRK or sometimes even Mahatma Gandhi!!, yeah some people think it's cool to call him names. Anyway, this is about SRK, and Gandhi would take another big!! post, so.. maybe later.



Now, as I was saying..the members of this anti-SRK bandwagon have to demean everything he does in the most disgraceful way. Bacchan fans, Aamir fans, Hritik fans..I dunno why..all jump to criticize SRK for whatever he does. If you ask me, or any other SRK fan for that matter, you will never hear us saying that SRK is the greatest ACTOR we have. Comparisons with Aamir crop up every now and then, and I that's so silly!, coz not only is SRK an inferior actor, he is very inconsistent too. Although, if you're one of those "fair" people and have seen the second half of Fanaa, you'll agree with me when I say Aamir has his limitations too, esp. the scene where Rishi Kapoor falls off the cliff..and that's another 'another' story:)



Another point of argument is that the SRK magic works only in Chopra/Johar romances and that he does not take risks. This tops!!! the list of the frivolous arguments. Do you guys forget that when your classy Aamir was doing his loud melodramas like Dil,Raja Hindustani,Andaz Apna Apna and doing all those utterly rubbish romances, SRK was doing the Baazigarr, Darr,Maya Memsaab and Kabhi Kaan Kabhi Naa??I'm sure you don't. And please, don't think of me as someone who hates Aamir, I love! the guy, and I truly believe he's the best actor we have, barring the Big B of course. Talking a little more about risks--tell me something Aamir has done which is even remotely as risky as a Paheli!!!,an Oh Darling Yeh Hai India, an Asoka, a Swades, a Hey Raam, a Gaja Gamini or for that matter even DON. Yeah, DON...don't tell me any other actor in bollywood would have dared to walk in Bacchan's shoes, against all the bourgeois confrontation, the resentment from the critics, and pulled the film to box office safety. Yes, DON grossed 50 crores and RDB grossed 51 crores. KANK grossed 47 crores and Fanaa grossed 53 crores. RDB grossed as much! as DON and a rejected film like KANK was also close(now please don't go nitpicking on the numbers here, I have my sources and I admit the possibility of small deviations, but the point is, the grosses of these movies were pretty close). RDB was loved by one and all, a classic truly, and Fanaa was generally liked and it even saw the comeback of Kajol while KANK was rejected by almost everyone and DON had a mixed response. Yet somehow, the two SRK starrers are termed underperformers!! while the other two are hailed as Aamir's double whammy claim to superstardom? I'm not saying you have to like KANK or DON, but atleast give the credit where it's due. The man must have done something right to have ruled bollywood for 14 years!!! But no, these morons even question that. Questioning his acting skills is one thing, but questioning his superior star power over Aamir or Salman or Hritik or even Abhishek(yeah, even this name crops up now) is either pure ignorance or the height of stupidity.



Talking a little more on box office--recently some people, no matter who their favourite actor is, bring up Hritik, since the man had the biggest blockbusters in 2006. Krrish made 65 crore and Dhoom 2 made 84 crores(note: I've only been giving the domestic grosses for all these films, if I include the international grosses as well, then you know!! what numbers will look like). And this annoys me even more, and let me add, I like Hritik too, I think he is a fabulous actor and a complete performer. Krrish and Dhoom are more like franchises, a la Spiderman, Die Hard etc and their blockbuster status is almost always a given even before the release. Not to take anything away from Hritik though, he did his job pretty well in both those movies, coz acting is not just emoting, it involves screen presence, mannerisms, body language and so so much more. And this is the reason I think why Aamir is just a tad overrated as an actor(please note the emphasis on JUST A TAD). SRK & Hritik could do almost any Aamir film there is, maybe not as well as Aamir does, bu they can..Aamir, on the other hand can never ever do a Dhoom2, Krrishh, DON or DDLJ, no..not even decently. But I'm sure you thin he can:) Anyway, going by their logic, even if I ignore everything SRK has done for the last 16 years with all his mega hits and even just look at 2006, I think they won't mind if I say that Tobey Maguire is a bigger star than Tom Cruise or Daniel Radcliffe is a bigger star than Brad pitt..huh? Such attitude I tell ya. Try and bring him down no matter what. Compare the acting with Aamir, compare box office with Hritik, compare the questionable legendary status with Big B..the list goes on and on and on.



Coming back to the Aamir comparison, why Aamir you may ask. Well, that's not my choice, Aamir's the name that most SRK haters fall back upon to bring him down, that's why. It's no surprise for me either; Hritik's still not generally accepted as serious actor, Abhishek has a long way to go in terms of box office and mass appeal and Big B, contrary to general opinion is really not the same force at the box office. So take up Aamir, huge star, great actor(possibly the best) and more or less a contemporary to SRK, if you include SRK's non filmy days of Fauji and Circus.

So what is it really that sets them apart? A typical SRK hater answer would read something like this "Aamir is a legend, he's the greatest actor of our times,he's got class. SRK is a monkey, only small girls like him, he is only good in romancing ladies in Yash Chopra movies" and so on and so forth. Now if you ask the same question to an SRK fan, you would hear "I think Aamir is a better actor, but my favourite is SRK"..now what's so bloody confusing about that?? Why can't you live with it? I talked about "fair" in my opening lines, so I'm gonna give you my opnion, and I truly believe it's a fair opnion. Yes, I believe Aamir is the better actor, a far better actor in fact. But, this is not because of the inherent acting skills!..no way. It's actually because of the fact that Aamir has a tremendous eye for scripts, and being a perfectionist helps too. Even while choosing the not so mainstream scripts, Aamir makes sure that he gets into that character and almost always gets the plum role. He was offered Akshaye's role in Dil Chahta Hai, but he refused. He's intelligent and we all know how long he takes to come out with one movie. All of this helps, it does. I'm not denying Aamir his credit, I do give him the credit for being so selective and doing such wonderful and classy cinema for the last 5-6 years. And yes, he's a great actor, better than SRK, no doubt. But let me ask you something, why does he shy away from multistarrers so much? And please o please don't say RDB now, if you think working in a movie with 4 newcomers falls in that category then you're just lame. Yes he did multistarrers earlier, but post Lagaan, when he really hit the big league, he hasn't been doing so. he almost always makes it a point to make the film his own. Coming on to SRK now--yes he's not a superb actor, but I don't believe he's a bad actor either. As I said earlier, he's higly inconsistent(in terms of acting), but when he gets it right, man it's good! You'll be hard pressed to find a performance which is as enjoyable as a DDLJ or as menacing as a Darr or as vulnerable as a Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa or as downplayed and realistic as a Swades. And he doesn't shy from multistarrers, he has dared to work with the Big B thrice already, and that too at a time when the media and his haters are trying to bring him down and compare him with Big B. In Mohabbatein both of them had equal footage, but he still stole the show, if you say otherwise then you're one of those "unfair" people I'm talking about. In K3G, he was stuck smack in between the legendary Big B and the biggest challenger to his throne, Hritik Roshan. Yet, K3G was SRK's movie, if you say otherwise again, then you're "unfair". I must insist again, I'm not saying SRK is a better actor than Big B, I'm also willing to say that maybe he's not even better than Hritik, but I judge things as I see them. Coming back to Aamir, I still believe Aamir is the better actor(you'll see this line in this post quite a lot, coz I don't wanna give these haters any excuses). For me the better actor is one who is more consistent, and Aamir is. Some people say Aamir is a natural actor..now that is a load of crap!! Aamir is a METHOD ACTOR, ask any of his directors or co-workers. He actually drinks when there's a drunken scene, he actually does not eat when he has to portray lethargy or depression. SRK, Govinda, Big B are natural actors, they simply go and do whatever they think will look good for the shot. SRK gives a 6 minute monologue in Veer Zaara in one take!!! while Aamir takes 7 shots for a scene of outburst. Yeah, that's the one thing he's really bad at, Aamir, he can't scream and yell...I'll be very interested if you can find me one scene where he's done it decently, please. All actors have strenghts and weaknesses, and to Aamir's credit, he plays to his strenghts more often that not, and I appreciate him for that. SRK on the other hand does 2-3 film a year and 9 out of 10 times pulls the film to box office safety, even mediocre/bad films;in 1994, Aamir's hit Andaz Apna Apna made 2.4 crores and SRK's flop Anjaam made 2.9 crores(he became such a power in only 2 years, and Aamir had already been around for 6 years and had the QSQTs,Dils,JJWS and DHKMN to his credit) in 1998, Aamir's hit Ghulam made 7 crores and SRK's average Josh made 14 crores and a flop Dil Se made 9.25 crores--in 1999, Aamir's hit Sarfarosh made 10.5 crores and SRK's flop Baadshah made 12.5 crores, I'm sure u're not getting what I mean..do you?Aamir is a bigger star my ass! He does this at the box office and every alternate year or so he comes up with one/two great performances and walks away with all the awards.. yeah..so give him a little!!!! credit for that. All of the things which I said are not to confirm SRK's superiority over Big B, Aamir or whoever, no way! If you believe Aamir is better, fine, I'm with you on that. But if I wanted to nitpick on every damn thing, I could bring him down too, I could even bring down the Big B, but I don't want to. So why do you have to?

So what is it that makes SRK's negativity index so high? The only valid explanation I can think of is pure jealousy. Mind you, I'm not talking about the people who don't like SRK, I'm talkin about those who can't help but speak,write,yell curses at him at every chance they get. I'm not talkin about the people who just say they don't think SRK is good actor or even a bad actor. I'm talkin about those who say he looks like a monkey and acts like a donkey, and that Arshad Warsi or Manoj Bajpai are bigger stars than him. These people are jealous; they cannot comprehend why this man, who does not have the looks, who cannot dance, who doesn't have a great physique, doesn't have a persona, doesn't have extraordinary acting talents can be so big, and can continue to be so big for 14 years. Another reason why I think so is because I still have to find a female who feels so strongly about SRK. Women generally tend to like SRK, even the ones who don't are not SRK haters as such. It's always the men; the ones who call him a monkey or sometimes even a paki!!!..this is just too much. I must say again, I'm not talking about all men who don't like SRK. I'm only talkin about the rabid lot which has to belittle everything he does. Did you notice I haven't even talked abut Chak De India here, and that was intentional. No, SRK does not require a Chak De India to be bigger than Aamir, or whoever you want to compare him with. He has been bigger than any actor/actress for the last 14 years and I don't see that changing in the near future(Hritik in form does pose serious challenge though, and he will take the mantle from SRK whenever he steps down) .

I can see I have rambled on for quite sometime now, for something so stupid. But hey!, it's my blog, what you gonna do, sue me?

Newton's Fourth Law: E=MTAS

I was always one of those who blindly believed in 'As GOD could not be everywhere, he created mothers'. Recent interactions with members of the fairer sex of my age however, have compelled me to think otherwise. How the hell did Sir Isaac Newton forget to publish the most important law?? The law about mothers in law!!! He thought it'd be better to make us poor school kids suffer in disgust with his Inertia, F=ma and action/reaction crap..huh! Anyway, since he forgot to mention about it in his lifetime, I thought I'd do the honors..so here it is--

Newton's Fourth Law of comMOTION:


If E=evil & If M=mother & If T=to & If A=a & If S=son, then
E=MTAS

This law of course was made after n number of experiments performed by Sir Isaac Newton on his o number of girlfriends. He also laid down the several assumptions and limitations of his study; these are as follows--

ASSUMPTIONS
1) The daughter in law believes that her husband stopped being a son the day he married her.
2) The husband has an irritating habit of bringing up the 'maa ke haath ka khaana' topic.
3) The mother in law can't help but dote on her son when she sees him after 6 mnths,yrs maybe.
4) The mother in law doesn't know that ur not her daughter!She keeps advising and suggesting.
5) Tiny gestures of respect seem like sacrifices to the daughter in law.

LIMITATIONS
1) This law can't do full justice to situations where the mother in law also has daughters.
2) This law does not apply where the husband speaks!

EXCEPTIONS TO THE LAW
1) The mother in law knows when she's crossed the line.
2) The daughter in law knows about the small things she shouldn't make fuss over.
3) The husband knows when to let it go and when to act, be it the mother or the wife.
4) The mohter in law or the daughter in law is mature enough to know what to do.

Anyway, Sir Isaac Newton wrote this in his dying note: I thought I should also share this with all of you

"The reason I dit not publicize this law is because, even though, I had found enough empirical proof among the daughters in law to hypothesize that most mothers in law are evil in general, I can't seem to find a single man who thinks this way about his mother in law. This makes me think of some irrational anomaly which took place in these experiments. I'm leaving these findings for you to decide whether the law should be in the books or not. Think it over!!"

--Isaac Newton

Hmmm...you see, he wasn't just all about the mass, force and reaction it seems. May he rest in peace.

Chak De India Review

If you're one of those who have to bash SRK even while u're sleeping, then please leave now. No matter what I say, or anyone else says, you'll be the same forever...so it's no use!

When I walked out of the Satyam Cineplex on Friday, my jaws were aching and so were my wife's, that's what she told me. The reason you might ask...well...because we had spent the last 2 hours and 20 minutes welling up every 2 to 3 minutes and crying very often. NO, we weren't crying coz we were sad or depressed. We did all this while empathising, sometimes sympathising, sometimes crying out of sheer happiness and sometimes just being taken over by the massive adrenaline rush. Well....that was Chak De India for us. Let's get into some details now;

The film begins with the debacle of the Indian hockey team at the hands of the Pakistanis, when Kabir Khan(SRK) misses a penalty stroke. He is crucified by the media and is labelled a gaddar(traitor). Even the people in his muhalla(locality) want nothing to do with him. Khan goes into a hiatus for 7 years only to return with the announcement of a women's national team for the World Cup. He takes charge as the coach with the dream of winning the World Cup and salvaging his own reputation; oh yes! not once does he deny this.

But Khan doesn't really have his work cut out for him. The team given to him has the biggest bunch of misfits ever. Most of them have come with their regional bias, some senior players have their ego issues and some have the temperament of a raging bull. The most imminent task for Khan is to make them act like a team, and it's probably the most difficult one. He breaks them, humiliates them and does several other unimaginable things to make them better players and understand the concept of 'India' and not my Assam, my Bihar, my Jharkhand, my West Bengal or whatever. I won't spoil the fun by telling you everything, but I'll tell you about the most important sequence which sees them really coming together as a team. This happens at McDonalds, where the girls beat up!! a bunch of eve teasers, and Khan quietly sits at the table. He only reacts when one of the guys tries to attack a girl from the back, he grabs him and says "peeche se nahi, karna hai to saamne se waar karo, woh kya hai na, hamaari hockey mein chakke nahi hote"(if you wanna attack, do it from the front, you see, we don't have eunuchs in our hockey').

The second half is hockey, hockey and more hocey. Team India looses the first match 7-0 to Australia, but they make a comeback after defeating many teams including England, the rough playing Argentina and the tactical Korea. The final sees them playing against Australia again. Everyone knew what was gonna happen, still there were OOOHs and AAhs to be heard everywhere in the theater and the mad clapping after the girls did it was just awesome. The climax is soooo wonderful, it makes you leap with joy and yet manages to make you cry. SRK's reaction is a sight; the man just doesn't know what to do, he's not jumping with joy, he's just looking everywhere like a lost child. Happiness, triumph, pain, agony..you could see eveything in his eyes. This is what makes him the King, and quite frankly, it's his movie, he's the heart and soul of the movie. More than the Indian Women's team...you want Kabir Khan to win.

The girls are all good too, considering it was the first time acting for most of them. A few of them have been given more screen time and the meatier dialogues and gameplaying time. Some of Komal's dialogues are just outrageously hilarious!, what with her 'bhains ki pooch'(buffalo's tail) and 'launda'(guy) 'laundiya'(girl) lines. The Punjabi girl also makes you laugh quite a few times with her uncompromising temper and childish mannerisms. A few minutes have also been given to the girls' problems, but even these are not boring at all and add to the movie's message quite substantially. The scene when they are introduced for the first time is a great tickler too.

The most endearing aspect of Chak De India is that it doesn't try to make a big deal of anything, but, it manages to do exactly that in the end. It makes you think about the gender bias in our society, it makes you think about the lack of awareness for our national sport, it makes you think about the corruption and red tapism in the Government, it makes you think about the regional bias so deeply engraved in our minds, and it also makes you think about India. It does all of this with great elan, without sounding preachy or intellectual for a single minute. The movie entertains you to the core, plays with almost every emotion you have ever felt in your life...loss,despair,pain,struggle,victory,happiness,ecstasy. The movie is a winner on all accounts, and this, without even touching on a single bollywood cliche. No movie in recent times can claim this, not even Rang De Basanti or Lage Raho Munnabhai. It has my vote for the best Indian movie of the new millennium so far(RDB is a very close second).

Go watch it, watch it now, even if you can't stand SRK. A movie not to be missed by any Indian, old or young. As for SRK's performance, contrary to what other people might tell you, no he's not different in this movie, he's the same SRK when he yells at those girls, when he gets angry, there's a certain restraint, yes, but that's coz he's not the 28 yr old angry avenger of Baazigarr now. It's not his greatest performance ever, but yes, it's definitely one of his most mature performances, along with Swades, Veer Zaara and Kal Ho Na Ho. His greatest performances, in my humble opinion, are in Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa and of course..DDLJ.
Rating: *****

When Citizen Kane met a Godfather at the Dark Side of The Moon

CAUTION: Some of the things mentioned here might be a big blow on your sensibilities. I’m not writing any of this to antagonize anyone, it’s just how I write:). APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE

So what’s the big deal with Citizen Kane anyway? Ranked as the greatest American movie of all time, again and again! Yeah yeah..Orson Welles this, Orson Welles that..puh-leeeease. While I don’t deny the fact that the movie did innovative things in the technical department, it hardly makes up for the sheer dullness and absolutely mediocre performances, not to mention the irritatingly over the top operatic production. And why o why do people think the use of endless metaphors is great direction?? Yeah, it can be great when used at the right time and in the right place, and not in the most mundane pseudo intellectual way. Remember the Lion King, when baby Simba places his paws in his father’s footsteps and then backs away? Now that was good!!

The Godfather, while good, is also grossly overrated in my opinion. Yes, Marlon Brando was good, and Al Pacino gave the performance of his life, only to be bettered in The Scent Of A Woman. I mean, the first half an hour watching a bunch of Italians dancing and singing at a wedding is hardly art, I could have done better with Hum Aapke Hain Kaun!! The film does have its moments, but it also drags and suffers from painful boredom is most parts. I know I’m beginning to sound like a tasteless jerk now, yeah? I’m not saying I don’t like the Godfather, but I certainly would not call it one of the 10 greatest movies ever made. Taxi Driver, The Untouchables, Pulp Fiction, Good Fellas, A Clockwork Orange, and so many more..huh..what’s the big deal…booooooring!!! And I truly believe Martin Scorsese is the biggest idiot in the history of cinema, I can’t tell you how grossed out and bored I’ve been every time I’ve tried to sit through any of his movies. Give me a Titanic, a Forrest Gump, E.T., Rocky, Saving Private Ryan, Lord of the Rings etc etc anyday. And if you’re one of those who believe older is always better, give me The Sound of Music, Westside Story, Laurence of Arabia. Remember, boredom and weirdness are not synonymous with great cinema. The problem with these “critically” acclaimed movies is, most people will say they LOVE it but they’ll never see it again. You don’t have to like something because your grandmother told you so.

The same case follows in the music industry. Yes yes, I’m sure you can tell from the title that I’m going to massacre Pink Floyd now. So, if you’re die-hard fanatic, please stop reading now! Again, I must clarify beforehand..I don’t dislike Pink Floyd’s music, but with 14 albums and only about 5-7 memorable songs, it’s a grave injustice that bands like Rush/YES aren’t even mentioned in the same breath as Pink Floyd. Saucerful of Secrets was pure noise; feedback, tolling bells, screaming and what not. Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Atom Heart Mother, Obscured by the Clouds and everything before The Dark Side of The Moon was equally stupid! Which brings us to The Dark Side of the Moon; yes, it’s a good album. A classic? Yes, definitely. A great album? Yeah, maybe. But it’s definitely not THE pinnacle of Rock music as it’s made out to be. Money and Time are good songs, yes, and let’s include Brain Damage in the list of good songs too, but the rest is just boring. 2nd highest selling rock album ever (first being AC/DC’s Back In Black), world record for a staggering 741 weeks! in the Billboard charts. Same is the case with the 2 disc long!! The Wall, 2 classics, 1 good song and numerous other utterly boring numbers. The reason why both these albums are considered as greatest of the greatest still evades me. I can’t understand the Rolling Stones phenomenon either; what was so great about their music anyway? And don’t even get me started on Led Zeppelin; the most overrated, overhyped and minimally talented bunch of musicians ever!!! What’s the hype about Jimmy Page….what did he ever do that was really good? Yes, Stairway To Heaven and Black Dog are eternal classics, no doubt! Can you remember anything else from them? maybe Rock n Roll, but that’s it! For that era, in my opinion, he isn’t even worth the dirt on Ritchie Blackmore’s fingernails. Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan truly deserve all the credit and hype that they get, but these guys don’t. I’m sorry, but Deep Purple were easily a 100 times better band than Led Zeppelin, and Rush were a 1000 times better band than Pink Floyd. Black Sabbath is the only band where I won’t say anything. I mean they started and defined a whole new genre of music, and they do deserve all the credit and hype. Speaking in terms of musical quality though, I think they’ve been outdone by Metallica and Iron Maiden.
Some highly overrated bands of this generation include Radiohead, Oasis and the oh so stupid Coldplay. I’m sorry, but I’d rather go back and listen to The Joshua Tree than listen to these crooning morons who think they can plagiarize on the U2 sound, add some utterly syrupy or politically/socially charged lyrics and fool me.

So you think The Dark Side of the Moon is the ultimate psychedelic/prog rock album ever? Go and listen to Moving Pictures or 2112 by Rush, and think again. You think Heavy Metal starts and ends with Britain; Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden? Go listen to Restless and Wild or Balls to the Walls by Accept (Germany). You think Led Zeppelin rules all that is rock and metal? Well…you need help then. You think OK Computer or What’s The Story… are the greatest rock albums ever? Umm..let me see…hmmmm….why don’t you listen to some good music for another 10 years and then we’ll talk.

Adnan Sami's loss is Sabah's Gain...

...reads a recent ARTICLE published in the Times of India. Now, I'm very happy for Adnan Sami, who's not only looking better but has also increased his living days quite substantially. And I'm really happy for him that he won his life's love back. But, something about this just doesn't seem right to me. Here is a woman, who walked out on her husband, because he was fat??, who wasn't there for him when he needed her the most, but nobody has to say anything!!!. Forget walking out on a marriage; if a man were to even mention the fact that his wife is fat, he would be getting brickbats from every which way.

I'm all for equality of gender, in fact I even support women having superior rights, but this is absolutely insane! Reservation for women, free schooling, curbing female infanticide cases, their inclusion in armed forces/police is all very good. A woman is the President of India now, and I'm really very happy. I cannot, however, digest something without any objectivity whatsoever. Recent court rulings have made culprits out of men who walk out on a live-in relationship, even penalised them. What the ****!!!! Doesn't the idea behind a live-in relationship say that if it's not working we shall part ways? Isn't it a decision made by two consenting adults? Why is the man the scapegoat then? It's not as if she was a daddy's little girl who was lured into this by an evil male.

I've seen cases where women have manipulated the rulings/laws to extort!! money from their in-laws. Is that what women want to be? Is that what our Government wants? Another recent ruling says a man has to take permission from his wife to smoke..not just at home...anywhere! This isn't a bad ruling as such, but I would also like to see a ruling which adds a 'vice versa' clause to it. I' haven't gone through the details, but as far as I can tell, if you even so much as raise you voice against your wife/sister/daughter, it's a punishable offence now. We are humans!! We raise our voices whenever we are agitated, we even raise our voice against our own parents sometimes...don't we? It's all very good for the unfortunate women who are subject to domestic violence. But more than doing any good, these pathetic rules have become a nuisance for our so-called modern society. I have even witnessed some boards saying "Council For Oppressed Men" contact at this number ..lol. It sounds funny... but it gives us a preview of what's to come. The founding of women's liberation was equality of gender, not making manipulative greedy monsters out of insane women. I know, most women aren't like that, but quite a few are and I've been witness to the utter humiliation of men and their parents at the hands of canniving women. Some might say...you deserve what you're getting, that it's payback time for all your evils for all these years.I'll say I pity you! and I pity the way you think. We are not responsible for what happened to women in the old ages, and what's still happening to women in the uneducated/uncivilized parts of our society. We do feel bad, yes!, but how could you hold us responsible for something we didn't do. If your neighbor's dog bites you, would you get back home and shoot your own dog?? I don't take pride in the fact that it was a man who built the Taj Mahal for his dead wife, so don't you dare ask me to take responsibility for a stupid old king keeping 36 women in his harem a gazillion years ago.

The Other Woman in My Life

Don't let the title let your imagination wild ok!, I'm quite an honorable man:-). I'm being constantly told by my wife and that THE woman in my life is my music. Not even remotely! true, but I can't really argue with her can I? So, the 'other woman' here would be my wife. As I write this, she's sleeping peacefully curled up by my side. Poor thing hasn't been feeling well for the past few days. We started watching a movie but then she felt tired and went to sleep. I am just catching up on my e-mails and writing this. At first, I had thought of reviewing Accept's Restless and Wild in the UNSUNG CLASSICS category, but I can't help looking at this sweet face beside me, and it's a big distraction for my usually "metal" mind,lol.

Our first meeting was not very pleasant! In fact, I'm constantly being bugged that I had actually snubbed her. This is so so far from the truth. It was the third or fourth day of our MBA, and I barely knew her. We were in a cyber-cafe and she must have waved at me, which I missed!(honestly!!!) and well, she thought I was a snotty arrogant prick. Come to think of it, I somehow, manage to give the same first impression to a lot of people...dunno why?

Days passed by, and I started hearing about her from my hostel-mates. Apparently she liked to have conversations about me, but what was disturbing was that she was always criticising me for something or the other...he he. I didn't do anything to make peace either, I mean why should I? lol...very immature I know. Anyway, a few months passed, and we had come to a point where we couldn't even look eye to eye. It was becoming increasingly awkward for our common friends too. Amidst all this though, there was something, I couldn't put a finger on it, but there was some chemistry. I know it sounds crazy, but there really was. Typically rational people would say how can there be any chemistry without any conversation and blah blah blah. But to me, chemistry is something which doesn't really need words, it's something magnetic, something about the aura/field that governs us. Time and time again, I could see a hint of a blush when our eyes met, and though I really wanted to detest her, I dunno for what reason I was starting to crave for her company. First love hormones I tell ya...he he.

This went on for quite sometime. When I couldn't resist any longer, I finally asked her out. She accepted, and you know what was my first gift to her...a tube of Fair n'Lovely....darn my stupid mind!! I was so bloody confused and jittery that I just couldn't think like a sane man. Anyway...she seemed to have liked the gift:-). She's very forgiving I tell you. During our dating period, we did have a lot of not-so-good times too, courtesy a few scheming batchmates and one scumbag Economics professor. But I'm not gonna bore you with all of that.

After MBA we spent 4 years away from each other!!! She had joined CAPART in Kolkata and I had gone to London for further studies. She stuck with me during all those years, never growing impatient. Here,I must give myself a little credit too:). We had heard of long distance relationships not working, and people growing out of love etc etc. How the hell can you grow out of love??? I'm not judging here, but I don't understand this twisted concept of love. Anyway...I'm not gonna start on that here. The point is, she is with me now, lying beside me, looking serene and sick;)lol. If I had believed in what people told me, if I had let myself be overwhelmed by the distance and the pain of being alone those 4 years, if I had given in to some stupid primal instincts, I wouldn't have had what I have now and will continue to have for the rest of my days. I think you know what that is:)

Upcoming Metal releases

The past few months have seen quite a few important metal releases. There was Megadeth's United Abominaitons, which was their best effort since Countdown To Extinction. There was Dream Theater's Systematic Chaos, which was not as brilliant as Scenes From A Memory, not as classy as Images and Words nor as "metal" as Awake, but was a decent offering nonetheless. Then there was Paradise Lost by Symphony-X which is an excellent piece of prog-metal. The new Obituary album, Xecutioner's Return is supposed to hit the shelves mid August. The new Arch Enemy album, Rise Of The Tyrant will start retailing from mid September and the new Iced Earth album, Framing Armageddon will be out late August. I've had the chance to listen to the Arch Enemy and Obituary promo CDs. I'm gonna write short previews of these two important metal albums to help you with your buying decision. Let's start with Obituary; Along with Morbid Angel, Obituary are considered as the gand daddies of Death Metal. Having given us classics like Slowly We Rot, The End Complete and the seminal Cause of Death, Obituary have truly gone pedestrian on their latest offering. The album has nothing new to offer, and what's more disturbing is that it doesn't even do justice to the old sound. Uninspired riffs, mostly mid tempo songs, a very very annoying guitar tone. Totally worthless!!Do not even borrow to listen to it. Now, the good news... Arch Enemy have done it again!! Rise of The Tyrant is as Kick*** as it gets. Mind numbing guitar virtuosity from Michael Ammott, excellent riffs and great vocals from Angela Gossow(this is a woman in a death metal band!!). Harmonies, scorching yet melodic solos, blistering old-school thrashy riffs, this album is just a dream. The promo CD had the annoying beep at every 10 seconds, but even then I could tell that this is an album worthy of 5 stars!! Do not miss this, whenever it comes out. The donwload links for both these promos are given at the bottom. As I said earlier, I'll suggest you pass on the Obituary album but do download the promo of Arch Enemy, the beeps are annoying, but you'll atleast know what you're waiting for.



Download Arch Enemy

Download Obituary

Essential Thrash/Speed Metal Listening

On the lines of my POST on Essential Power Metal Listening I bring you Thrash/Speed now. The list will comprise of albums which "Thrash" from start to finish, albums which give you riff after riff mercilessly...typical old school speed, blistering solos and menacing vocals. Don't go pulling your hair if you don't find a Master Of Puppets, Ride The Lightning or Rust In Peace here. Timeless classics as these albums might be, they are not the speed/riff attacks from start to finish as the labums which are to follow in this list. This is hardcore thrash mayhem, and for those of you whose thrash world ends with Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax are advised to take this slowly...it's an acquired taste. Those who can headbang to the occassional Testament and Kreator...have fun:). I won't be reviewing these albums, instead I'll just include names of some killer tracks from them. Note: The list is in no particular order. It really!!! is very hard to rank them:), except for the number 1 of course, Reign In Blood!!!!

Reign In Blood--Slayer(1986)

Killer Tracks: All of them!!!!

(2) Forbidden Evil--Forbidden(1988)

Killer Tracks: Chalice of Blood, Through Eyes of Glass, Forbidden Evil, March Into Fire,Feel No Pain

(3) Beneath The Remains--Sepultura(1989)

Killer Tracks: Beneath The Remains, Inner Self, Mass Hypnosis, Slaves of Pain, Hungry

(4) Bonded By Blood--Exodus(1985)

Killer Tracks: Bonded by Blood, Piranha, And Then There Was None, A Lesson In Violence, Strike of the Beast

(5) Darkness Descends--Dark Angel(1986)

Killer Tracks: Darkness Descends, Merciless Death, Black Prophecies, The Burning of Sodom

(6) Extreme Aggression--Kreator(1989)

Killer Tracks: Extreme Aggression, Betrayer, Bringer of Torture, Some Pain Will Last

(7) Terror Squad--Artillery(1987)

Killer Tracks: The Challenge, Terror Squad, At War With Science, Decapitation of Deviants

(8) Eternal Nightmare--Vio-lence(1988)

Killer Tracks: Calling in The Coroner, Kill on Command, Serial Killer, Eternal Nightmare

(9) The Years Of Decay--Overkill(1989)

Killer Tracks: Time To Kill, E.vil N.ever D.ies, Eliminate, The Years of Decay

(10) The Legacy--Testament(1987)

Tracks: Over The Wall, Alone In The Dark, Burnt Offerings, First Strike Is Deadly

(11) The Ultra-Violence--Death Angel(1987)

Killer Tracks: Final Death, Mistress Of Pain, Kill As One, The Ultra-Violence

(12) Pleasure To Kill--Kreator(1986)

Killer Tracks: Riot of Violence, Command of the Blade, Ripping Corpse, Under The Guillotine

(13) Arise--Sepultura(1990)

Killer Tracks: Dead Embryonic Cells, Murdered, Altered State, Under Siege(Regnum Irae)

(14) Twisted Into Form--Forbidden(1990)

Killer Tracks: Infinite, Step by Step, Twisted Into Form, Tossed Away

(15) Enemy Of God--Kreator(2005??, yes, it's that good)

Killer Tracks: Enemy of God, Murder Fantasies, Impossible Brutality, The Ancient Plague

(16) Surf Nicaragua(EP)--Sacred Reich(1988)

Killer Tracks: Surf Nicaragua, Death Squad, Draining You of Life, War Pigs(Sabbath cover)

(17) Persecution Mania--Sodom(1987)

Killer Tracks: Bombenhagel, Conjuration, Nuclear Winter, Outbreak Of Evil

(18) Horrorscope--Overkill(1990)

Killer Tracks: Thanx for Nothin, Coma, Nice Day for A Funeral, Bare Bones

(19) Eternal Devastation--Destruction(1986)

Killer Tracks: Curse The Gods, United By Hatred, Upcoming Devastation

(20) Agent Orange--Sodom(1989)

Killer Tracks: Agent Orange, Remember The Fallen, Ausgebombt, Magic Dragon

Also Recommended: Dreamweaver--Sabbat(1988, pagan imagery but midblowing music)

Killer Tracks: The Clerical Conspiracy, The Best Of Enemies, How The Mighty Have Fallen